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* PHOTO ALBUM LIBRARY *
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In the spirit of fun, here are the magazines we all wish we had a chance to read.
Listen to Miss Manners. She will never steer you wrong..uh..er wrongLY that is.
Includes sections on when NOT to try pick-up lines with hapless sweepstakes
entry reps. Each month includes lists of naughty words which can and
cannot be used in "polite" phone conversation. There is also a section
covering the social and economic consequences of using suggestive,
foul or threatening language on the phone with sweepstakes reps.
The section "If you can do the crime, you can pay the time",
goes into this deeply with lists of defence lawyers and
proscribed penalties, including hard time for phone pervs....
Submitted by Lizard
This weekly is chock full of fuzzy, warm photos of seniors
nursing cups of coffee at sunrise and waltzing in meadows. Recent articles have included
"How I turned my bank into a drive-thru in under 10 seconds." and
"How to artfully ask the store clerk where the Depends are without attracting attention."
Up-coming issues will include such topics as Driving Offensively at Eighty and
Spending Your Childrens' inheritances : Foolish or just plain FUN?
Includes a monthly Senior Sports section explaining Bingo, Mail-in sweepstakes and
how to enter them without spending a dime. Each issue comes with a free wristband gift.
Perfect for those who frequently forget their phone numbers and addresses....
Submitted by Lizard
This is a fast look at fishing on the 'wild side'.
Set your compasses for high advanture! This colorful weekly magazine
offers one lesson in tying a 'groovey' psychedelic fly each month,
guaranteed to attract even the blindest of 'Big Daddy' Bass!
Recent articles include 'A week at sea in a yellow submarine'
and 'I saw Jerry Farwell walking on water'..both written by
experienced staff writers of Sixties vintage. Rock-n-Roll on the high
seas with 'Trolling Stoned'! It's a gas! Each issue includes a generous
amount of alternative advertisements such as Pioneer Sound System's
'High-Powered, Bass-Boat, Sub-Woofer, Fish Callers'. Unannounced
bonus issues will include future installments of the continuing series
'1001 cop-free lakes in the lower 48 states', penned by anonymous
staff writers directly from their cells at the Federal Penitentiary!
Submitted by Lizard
WARNING..A recent issue has included LaVerne and Shirley
removing their bobby socks 'on camera'. Not for those under 21.
Thrill to the Fonz's drive-in lipstick smearing techniques.
Laugh as Walley and Beaver relate stories of their dating escapades
...all unsuccessful. Boo Eddie Haskell as he lies about his scores.
A fashion section helps YOU re-create the hairdos of the fifties.
Next month's issue will include the revealing story
"The Fonz and the female motorcycle mechanic : Love at first sight."
Bonus! Bi-annually, real life retro "Dames" who were actually
born in the late thirties, compete in the beauty profile
"Antique Broadshow" for a date with the fabulous Mike Brady.
Pick one up now. It's at your news stand!
Submitted by Lizard
This magazine allows you to act and speak like
Einstein even though you may not be a rocket scientist.
Gives you slick answers to questions posed to you,
like "How would you spend a million dollars?"
Einstein's Corner suggests the response, "Very Wisely".
Promoting the idea that you are a person of wisdom
and intelligence. Learn how to outwit sweepstakes
by strategically lying about your credit...
Bonus! Includes a section on how to
remember your phone number.
Submitted by Lizard
Thomas the Tanked Engine and friends....NOT welcome at AA meetings.
Follow Thomas across the countryside as he consumes huge amounts of alcohol
soaked wood in his burner! Squeal with pleasure as he daringly
runs railroad crossings at high speeds without blowing his horn.
Watch him as he flashes his silver teeth at all the pretty ladies,
flirting and careening onward in his quest for love.
You'll love Thomas, too. Ages 18 and over.
Submitted by Machiavelli (formerly Lizard)
Definitely NOT fashion. McMall's is the only forum where it's allowable
to "get even"! Designed for frustrated Moms of Mall Beauty Queens, McMall's
is brimming with full color photos of Moms in full battle in...mud wrestling pits.
The gloves are off! The claws are out...in McMall's! Sometimes even the daughters
jump in and slug it out. Imagine yourself in a front row seat, catching the
action from a new mall in a new city each month! So realistic you will want
your raincoat. Bonus issues will include tickets to "Lil Mud Wrestler" competitions
at a mall near you! Enter your children...must be 5 yrs of age or older.
Submitted by Machiavelli (formerly Lizard)
English for the unmotivated...Comes in weekly,
bi-lingual issues in several languages upon request.
Customer service offers translators so that you
can order in your own language without
having to learn English! Teaches you phrases
far beyond "You speaka Spanish?"
Includes a section on Immigration lawyers and laws...
Submitted by Machiavelli (formerly Lizard)
Blarney...Warning - each issue contains graphic, adult language.
Ever wondered what that idiot in the purple dinosaur suit looks like?
He's teaching YOUR kids every time they sit down in front of the TV.
Well now you can get a secret peek at him in every issue. Blarney's staff
has installed cameras and mics on the sly in that mammoth misfit's dressing
room...just for you! Watch him as he kicks his cat away from the door as
he exits, to do another episode with the kids. Scream with laughter as the
tyrannical tyrannosaurus beats his laundryman after his zipper gets stuck
on his outfit and he doesn't quite make it to the john. Little-known facts
about Blarney are in every issue. Past articles taken from candid conversations
with the carnivore include "My lifetime membership in the NRA and how it
affects my attitude towards kids." and "Why I can't get a wife." Future
issues will include "Blarney on a blind date" and "Why I hate dating
agencies". Bonus! PC-capable readers can order CD Roms at a
nominal price, containing colorful language, with Blarney describing his
youthful entourage...what he REALLY thinks of those "*#@!* Brats".
Submitted by Machiavelli (formerly Lizard)
The Office Boys' entertainment magazine.
Warning! Subject matter may be boring.
Fax'em is not just another "personal assistant" rag. Fax'em is the
epitome of change in the business world. Teaches ladder-climbing
office boys how to cheat on their resumes and charm their female
and/or male superiors into submission. Last month's articles included,
"How I dominated the break area for a solid month with one straegic
conversation. "Hacking passwords and attributed e-mails: their uses
and drawbacks in Getting Ahead". Learn from the Pros! Fax'em will jump
you miles ahead of the competition. Each issue includes tips on cutting
corners, includeing; Dates: Which fast food restaurant chains will let
you get ice water, lemon and sugar as a free beverage. Phrases: Which
phrase to use when the boss is around. Dress: Phone numbers and
addresses of the Salvation Army nearest you. Computers: A few phrases
to impress and decive WITHOUT having to take Computer Science 101.
Fax'em.....it's YOUR move now!
Submitted by Machiavelli (formerly Lizard)
Gorge..how to eat VERY well and enjoy it. Each issue of Gorge
includes full-color photos of your favorite Fatties! Recent issues
include Liz Taylor slurping spaghetti in public and Bill Clinton shirtless,
fiddling with his navel. Regular monthly columns include snappy rebuttals
for your doctor when he confides to you that you must lose wieght:
written by our legal department, they work...REALLY! The latest in
effortless diet pills (no pain, you gain) are showcased each month as
well as our "500 LB Panel's "Pick of the Month" for their favorite ALL
You Can Eat Buffet restaurant (Believe us..Management locks the doors
when they see 'em coming for their "taste test" marathon). Gorge even
has an 800 number for subscribers to call and get the lowdown on
restaurants in their area on subjects such as: 1) Exactly Where and
HOW to complain in order to get a free meal from the manager. 2) Which
restaurants have toilet stall doors that lock for your privacy and protection
while regurgitating, etc... 3) Which eateries offer the pig fest calorie
bonanzas and 4) Which restaurants have double-entry doors. Be prepared!
Avoid embarassment! Get Gorge TODAY! Special Bonus: Order today to
get a "Binge Bib" and a pair of "Purge Pads" for tender knees.
...both emblazoned with "Gorge"...absolutely FREE!
Submitted by Machiavelli (formerly Lizard)
Pssst! Meester, you wanna buy a car, reeel cheap?
This phrase sums up the gist of this sales publication directed
towards both English and Spanish readers. In the pages of
Automenudo you're going to find the car you have always
dreamed of but never been able to cough up the cash for.
Thanks to the ingenuity of out friends South of the border,
the Internet and a few corrupt US Customs agents,
YOU TOO can order the special car, SUV or small truck from
the comfort and safety of your homes, right on your PC!
Sales Categories include: 1)Former Diplomats' and Drug Dealers' limos
(with or without bloodstains on seats...substantial discount for vehicles
WITH blood). All bullet holes have been patched, windows replaced, etc....
2)US Customs' vehicles acquired in border "trades". Re-painted.
3)Former Tourists' vehicles, with or without blood. Damages reparied,
as mentioned above. A special section of Automenudo is designed to help the
"procurers" out there. Monthly articles on Lures, Stings, Switches and other
set-ups highlight every issue. Rich with individual ads, the classifieds contain
blurbs placed by attorneys specializing in this field, individuals seraching
for their lifetime partner in crime and smaller publication which pay close
attention to the details. Last month's issue included helpful commentary
from Milliken, Daley and Rostenkowski. If you order now you will receive
a CD absolutly free by Steve Miller entitled "Take the Money and RUN!!"
Submitted by Machiavelli (formerly Lizard)
